This must be the question of the year. Seriously - I feel like I am hearing this everywhere I turn - is it just me? As it turns out, I think it is more the case that the Universe has been talking to me for quite a while now, but I haven't been hearing it correctly. It has recently occurred to me that this seemingly innocent phrase has been following me everywhere I go for years, and may be a root cause of some of my darkest self-limiting beliefs.
I was a smart girl in High School - even on the new science and technology path that was rather non-traditional in my all-girl Catholic school. And I was a 'good girl' -- aim high. Straight to the Ivy League I went - I was ALL IN. In fact, it turns out that Cornell was the only college that I even applied to, I was so ALL IN. (well, ok, fine. While true, it was only because I had applied early decision, and acceptances were mailed before the traditional cycle applications for the other schools were due. So - not so much 'ALL IN' as 'IN LUCK' on that one. But, you know what I mean.) When I started graduate school: "This is a doctoral program. You will be the one person who knows the very most about your research topic when you are done. To be successful on this path you must be ALL IN." (No pressure there.) When I was in the middle of writing my doctoral dissertation, and preparing for my defense (I was in the tunnel, but the light was still barely visible), I sat in a committee meeting one unforgettable Friday afternoon, just a few days after having moved to a new house. Despite barely being able to find my toothbrush among the maze of boxes before heading out, let alone arranging childcare for my young daughter, my committee chair demanded, "You are going to have to let those boxes sit. Realize your priorities, and get ALL IN. Otherwise, you are not going to make it." While I guiltily did unpack some boxes, I was for the most part absolutely ALL IN, and I did in fact receive my PhD that year. I had made it! Of course, only to find out that, now I had the honor of beginning my Academic career and it was time to secure funding and write publications. I needed to establish a track record of success, and quickly. I needed to be ALL IN. But, like I said, I was a 'Good Girl' - and smart good girls are committed, right? And I was competitive - super competitive. (OK - that something I am still working on, I will admit.) So, if ALL IN was where it was at, then I was going to be there. I was certain that it would all be worth it in 'the end' if I could just muscle through and stay committed. We will 'get There' someday...where exactly was 'There'? Hell if I know. Happiness, I guess? Ultimate fulfillment? It was never clear, and I was too busy being ALL IN to stop and ask. 'Just finish grad school.' Then, 'Just wait until your daughter is in school'. Then, 'Just get the first grant'. And then...I remember talking with my mentor one afternoon, after I had just secured a big grant that I spent 2 years being ALL IN on. I mean, this was a major feat - I had to have arrived, right? Not yet. "We can't stop now - we need to start thinking about what's next. It is time to be ALL IN." I was on a super shiny tall ladder that just kept getting taller as I climbed. But I was ALL IN, and I was strong. So, I kept climbing. Until I finally realized that my shiny ladder was leaning against the wrong damn wall. Even when I left Academics and began yoga teacher training, I went to one surprisingly grueling training (a totally separate story), where ALL IN showed up again. (How the heck did it find me in yoga of all places?!) And then again, when I switched gears to yet another industry entirely, I was digging it, digging it, digging it...and then that phrase popped up...it was the catch phrase for the entire freaking year in fact - 'Are you All IN?' But, ALL IN for what? For a better future 'someday'? What about today? And, ALL IN for someone else's systems and beliefs? What about me? My logical self is a 'rule follower' - if my peers, teachers, mentor, company - suggest I need to be ALL IN to succeed, then than is what I should do. My fear was judgement, and with this I was limiting myself. Doesn't not being ALL IN make me flighty? Flaky? Ditzy and non-committed? Unreliable? Now, I fully accept responsibility for the fact that, in my former black and white reality, the option other than ALL IN was ALL OUT, but I am guessing I am not alone with this one. Luckily, my authentic self is a rebel. And this is what I have come to appreciate so deeply lately. I AM ALL IN. I am ALL IN FOR ME! Wanna be ALL IN for you? Here is what I have finally realized, and maybe this will work for you as well. We all have a limited bank of time + energy + money. Do you maximize your budget to be ALL IN for your authentic self? What if we considered all the opportunities before us to be a big buffet, and we can totally take the bits and pieces that best serve us, making us most whole - and drop the rest? Two steps are really all it takes - awareness, and release. Awareness. Are there things in your life that are no longer serving you that can be dropped – perhaps they are parts of someone else's ALL IN? Academics was definitely someone else's ALL IN. And, despite the culture of strength and empowerment, which was such a necessary part of my journey... it turns out that I have recently decided that Mary Kay, too, was part of someone else's ALL IN. Which left me feeling confused and guilty. I mean, seriously - leaving BOTH academics, AND Mary Kay both in 2017? (Bring on the waves of self-judgement and fear again.) But, when I took some time recently to look at this in a different light, the picture became clearer. Once I allowed myself to be ALL IN for me, I realized that every experience in my life brought me to exactly where I am today - I am still a scientist, and I have definitely been empowered. I see the beauty in myself and those around me more clearly and regularly. I have been able to absorb, learn from, and integrate exactly the bits and pieces from every experience that I needed. Release. Did you find the parts that are no longer serving you? Small portions or whole situations; one person or an entire group...whatever it may be. Got it? Take a deep breathe, and let these things go. Maybe even just give it a one week or one-month trial run. Be present to how these changes affect your overall happiness, bring back whatever you miss and need back in your life. Moreover, be OK with the process of constant change, evolution and discovery along this journey. You are ALL IN for you, and you are exactly where you need to be.
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Author: Jenn PetersonHey there! I am a proud mom, wife, scientist, yogi, and teacher. My goal is to help others as I learn to help myself. Together let's help each other continuously realize our absolute beauty, strength, power, abundance & wellness! :) Archives
August 2017
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